Nomadism, Changes, the Future and Related Ramblings

No, my dear blog readers, I still haven't abandoned you. It's been ages since I've posted. My inseparable companion Mme Procrastination is to blame. There's a lot that's been happening and so I should have had a lot to blog about. But then that's where the overwhelming influence of Mme P. brings about postponements.
Anyways, I'll try to at least complete this post and hopefully this make me resume postings again.
If you've read my "About Me" section, you know that I'm a nomad and have moved all my life. The next move is around the corner-- I move to the City of Boiled Beans at the end of March.

The Basics
My father had a transferable job, and so we moved ever 3-4 years, especially during my early childhood. I was born in Kolkata (as was my brother), and we moved to Bhubaneswar when I was 4-4.5years old. We lived there for 3.5 years and then moved back to Kolkata. The next move was to Delhi-- 5 years and 2 months-- to date that remains my longest continuous stay at one place. When we moved back to Kolkata in 1990, I was 16. I finished my school there, and my BSc as well. I was determined to leave the city, and I moved to Pune in 1994 when I got through a coveted combined entrance exam. Thence to Bangalore for my PhD in summer 1996. My supervisor moved to Delhi, and I quit and moved to Tübingen to restart my PhD in Nov 1998. Our lab moved to Heidelberg in Oct 2001, and this time I moved with the lab and completed my thesis there. I moved to Vienna in March 2003.

Changes-- Pune & Panch-Premikayen
As a kid, it was both distressing and exciting to move. Distressing to leave old friends and contacts, familiar surroundings, but exciting to embark on new adventures. I used to be a shy kid, and so making friends wasn't that easy... so I guess there was a large bit of apprehension. However, there certainly was the excitement and hope of starting out all over again, of doing better, being a better person, getting a clean slate. I did try to change myself every time I moved, and these changes became more pronounced from Pune onwards. Pune was the first time I was staying away from my parents-- in fact far away. I was independent, and had to take care of my affairs in toto.... except of course the living expenses that my father would send every month. But I was also 20. Pune changed me. Most of my classmates were a bunch of fun-loving people, and they dragged me into it. My roommate and classmate, BJ, probably had the biggest hand in bringing about this change. He was the complete opposite of me-- extroverted, friendly, popular, and very goodlooking. Then there were my female friends-- my so-called panch premikayen (five lovers)-- Fish, Chicken, Mutton, Prawn (HRJ) and Kalakand. It started with Fish. There was and exam and she was mugging up stuff (moving here lips soundlessly) and someone commented that she was like a fish in an aquarium... the name stuck. I used to get along quite well with her and was consequently was teased about her. Now the best way to get rid of teasing is to join them-- I gave them more fuel- "See it's simple: Bongs love fish". Latha was a loud girl-- hyper-extroverted. Her best friend was Uma and I got along very well with both of them. Latha protested that I only loved Fish. I said "Well, as Bong, I do love fish, but I like chicken and mutton better". She selected the former for herself and the latter for Uma. HRJ, had to be given a name too. She'd once brought prawn-achar for a few of us, and so that was a good name for her. Then Kanchan, a good friend of HRJ and mine, but from a different course, also wanted to be in my "harem" but she being a vegetarian and sweet-lover, called herself Kalakand. Anyways, for a guy who was shy and was uncomfortable talking to girls (despite being gay), this was progress. By the time we finished and left Pune, I was quite a popular guy within the group, and I am very much in touch with quite a few of these people.
IISc did change me as well, though not all that much. I developed good friendships, became more confident, and of course, as I have blogged before, accepted that I'm gay.

Massive Changes-- the European Influence
Life in India was quite protected, despite all those pretences of my independence. There were hostels where one lived, there were messes where one ate, medical facilities within the institute if one fell ill, dhobis and "press"-wallas in the campus, plus there were friends, professors, relatives, friends of parents, whom one could consult at the drop of a hat. Finances and tastes were meagre, and so most of the time was spent in the campus at work or with friends. There might have been an occasional trip to the restaurant, to a movie, or to a happening area.

Europe was this whole new thing. And it completely changed me. I had a close friend from my Pune days, Jagan, in Tübingen, at the same institute... in fact it was in consultation with him that I had moved there, and I stayed with him for the first few months. He had his own tensions, problems etc, and staying with someone in a small room in a shared accomodation is never easy. Our relations became kinda hot & cold. Even with all the help Jagan extended, I was still on my own. In the UK or in the US (or perhaps even in Australia), the Indian community is so huge, that a newly arrived desi has no trouble entering the ghetto and remaining there. This was certainly not so here. There was of course Sunanda, but we didn't get along with her initially (she is one of my closest friends now-- she's in Berkeley, but we have telephone conversations for hours several times a month). Later Rajeeb, Tressa, and others arrived in Tübingen, but then they themselves had to find their feet on the ground. And of course there was the gay thing, that I had to explore.

I had a lovely studio apartment with a huge balcony. Before leaving India, my mother had given me a very hurried crash course in cooking, but honestly, the only thing I could really cook was an egg (boiled, fried, scrambled, omelette). While I was at Jagan's, he showed me how to make fried rice, and I also tried cooking (quite successfully) a chicken dish. One doesn't really need to cook, as one can survive on bread, eggs, hams/salamis, fruits, frozen pizzas and various other frozen stuff, or the delicious Turkish Döner Kebaps. But I'm a scientist-- experimenting is my job-- and I love food and I'd been missing Indian food (there was a decent Indian resaturant in Tübingen), so the most logical thing was to try and experiment. Ralf was a new postdoc who joined soon after I moved to my apartment. His girlfriend was in France and since he didn't know people either, we hung out together. He had a car and he used to give me a ride to the supermarket on weekends, and I used to invite him for dinner to try out my experiments. He wasn't experienced in Indian food, so had no idea what things were supposed to taste like-- a perfect candidate! With bawarchi.com and phone calls to my mother, and repeated experiments I did manage to become a decent cook over the years.

Travel was another thing that I got hooked to, and I've travelled quite a bit. Germany, Austria, the UK, the Netherlands, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Greece, Hungary... much more than most Indians I know here. Most of these trips have been on my own, and I prefer it that way.

Getting comfortable with being gay and enough to coming out to friends and parents is something I've already blogged about. Here in Vienna, I am a regular at the gay parade. Many of my friends are gay, and we often go out to gay cafes/bars.

I also think I have become more accepting, more open-minded, less conservative, and have broader horizons. That is of course, in part because of becoming more mature, but also because of my stay in Europe and interacting with completely different cultures, values, outlooks, and meeting really diverse kinds of people.

My personality has changed in other ways as well. I am more confident, more self-assured, independent, know more or less what I want, what I like. I am not afraid of people (well most of the times anyway).
I certainly have better dress-sense than when I first arrived in Europe.

The Itch to Move
Although I like Vienna, know the place quite well, have a lot of friends, lots of favourite places to go to, and enjoy life here, I feel a strong urge to move. In a few weeks, it'll be five years that I've lived here, and five years is a big psychological barrier. I need a change, a new adventure, a new slate. I am a bit bored with the routine. I want to move on.

My current contract is coming to an end as well, and it cannot be renewed in its current form. Leonie, in the neighbouring institute, likes me very much and was extremely keen to have me join her group. But that would've been my last option, though it might have made a bit of sense professionally. I really wanted to move on, I want change.

The City of Boiled Beans
I had applied for a position in Bangalore in November, they interviewed me telephonically three days later, and offered me the position after two weeks. They suggested I join from Jan 1, which was impossible. In any case I needed to visit them and check them out first-- I did that in Jan. I'll be leaving Vienna on the 28th of March and after a day in Dubai, visiting BJ (whom I've mentioned above) and his family there, I proceed to Bengaluru on the 30th.

I am apprehensive how I'll re-adjust, but it'll be an adventure. Bangalore has changed tremendously since I used to live there (1996-1998)-- and in any case, we used live a rather sheltered life in the IISc campus with occasional excursions to the city. I've hated the traffic when I visited recently and that will indeed be a nightmare. But I am looking forward to the city, with its extremely cosmopolitan environment, great weather, the ghats nearby, tons of historical and architectural marvels nearby. Plus lots of promising activities going on (provided one can find the time and means to get there in time)-- my internet searches have yielded a hiking group that sounds fantastic, a theatre with regular performances (albeit several in Kannada), an expats organization, an interesting annual music festivals other than Vasantahabba like this one and so on.
I also have a few friends there, and my cousin and her husband whom I get along very well with. I am also excited about work.

The gay thing is a bit worrying. The problem with many (most?) Indian gay guys is their paranoia. Gay people are understandably complicated, but the juggling between terrified secrecy and being gay in India, doesn't result in a good combination. However, there are groups like Good As You (the website is outdated, because apparently the current people don't know what the password is!!!), and I think there are a higher proportion of well-adjusted (or at least better-adjusted) gay people in the city than most other Indian cities... or so I hope. I went to a Good As You meeting when I visited B'lore in Jan, and met some friendly people and enjoyed the discussions. I've heard that there is at least one gay bar and there are gay parties organized with a reasonable frequency. I'd hate to get back into the closet, but then I'm not completely out even in Vienna, and so I think I'll maintain a similar system of keeping my personal life private at work, being ambiguous to acquaintences and out to good friends... lets see.

I'm also hoping to revive my adoption dreams after I move to the city...

Everybody is suggesting that I live near to work-- that'd mean quite far away towards the eastern end of the city. Vienna has spoiled me. I live walking distance from the centre, and obstinately, I'd like to live not too far away from the happening places in Bangalore too. I'd have zeroed in on the trendy Indira Nagar, but flats there might be too expensive for my budget. The other option is Domlur-- which is apparently very ordinary and non-trendy-- very strange considering that it is between Indira Nagar and even trendier (but too southern for me) Koramangala.

I guess I'd have to go to work very early to avoid the traffic jams, I'm hoping for decent public transport, as I'd prefer to read while travelling two hours instead of being at the wheel. I've been told there are decent buses plying to where I'll be working from almost everywhere in the city, plus the city has introduced luxury buses that are airconditioned and expensive and hence are not so crowded. But I guess I'll have to get a car as well-- and a driver's license as well-- finally.

The City of Boiled Beans, I'm looking forward to spending a few years with you.

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Partners of Friends (updated)

We are friends with our friends not merely because we are fond of them, but also because we get along with them, find them interesting, can have great conversations with them, can gel with them, can trust them, can open up to them, and so on. Most importantly, in most cases our wavelenghts match, even though we may have serious disagreements.

Now what happens when these friends have partners or get married. Do we get along with these partners or spouses too? I have had mixed experiences. Meeting with the partners of two good friends in December and having diametrically opposite experiences made me realize how different this can be.

Hari was going to India, and was to go via Germany, meeting his old colleagues and also showing his wife the country he had lived in for more than four years. I hadn't met him for years, and had never met his wife. I was to visit a place near Karlsruhe for work around that time, and so I decided to go earlier and meet them in Berlin.

Hari's marriage had been an arranged one. He had seen photographs and had been talking to her on telephone for quite a few months. He finished his PhD, went back to India, met her in person, went out with her, and then got married. When he'd told me about these plans on telephone, I was skeptical about his optimism. I wasn't saying that it wouldn't work, but what if he was disappointed when he met her, or worse, disliked her? The wedding arrangements had been made, and knowing him, it'd be unlikely that he'd make them call it off. What then? We had a bit of an argument. Later I emailed him to apologise for being so cynical and he said I had been articulating things had been on his mind, and that was the reason he got irritated as well.

He got married, and they both went to the US. I kinda lost touch with him.

But he was going to be Germany, and we decided to meet.

Madhuri is lovely. I mean particularly as a person, although I do find her pretty too, with the Mallu eyes that I find so attractive in women. She is extremely friendly (I felt I'd known her all my life), has good sense of humour, is intelligent, makes good conversation, is fun, caring, and seems to be "one of our crowd". There was no hesitation on her part, and we got along very well immediately. They obviously enjoy each other very much. And I hope this is one of greatest successes of the arranged marriage system. I must say I am both relieved and very happy for Hari. We hung out for two days, had dinner, visited the Pergamon museum, loitered around Berlin, christmas markets etc and had a thoroughly good time. Although Hari and I are very good friends, we do have issues and have one or more fights every time we meet. This was the first time we didn't, I think thanks to Madhuri.

*

About to weeks later (after Christmas), Chris and his Swedish girlfriend came to visit me. Chris is 4-5 years younger than me, and I am very fond of him. We had met in Tübingen where he worked as a summer student, and we got along extremely well. We exchanged visits after that and travelled around Germany as well. He have very wide interests and is extremely well-informed and we can have those endless conversations about almost everything under the sun. His girlfriend, Stina, on the other had was one of the most boring creatures I have ever met. She was grumpy and had a thoroughly bored expression most of the time. Offered no opinions. Try as I might, I couldn't involve her in conversation... all questions and leads were dealt with using the minimum possible words. After several trials I just left her alone and almost ignored her. The only thing she really wanted to do/see is the Natural History Museum, but unfortunately it was closed most of the time they were there. We went around the city centre on the New Year Eve, through the crowds, stopping at the concerts on the way. Again she had no enthusiasm, opinion or interest in anything. We watched the fireworks with small bottles of champagne from the forecourt of the Austrian Parliament... it is elevated and hence offers a good view of the fireworks, but is not crowded as there are no concerts, shops or stalls around. And soon afterwards walked back because she was tired.

I thoroughly enjoyed Chris' company like before, I trust he enjoyed himself too. But I absolutely couldn't figure her. De gustibus non est diputandum, goes a saying in Latin: there should be no argument about taste, and I agree with it completely. But to be honest (and nasty to a dear friend), I absolutely can't fathom what he sees in her.

*

These were two of the most recent experiences and they struck me because they were within a few weeks of each other and so opposite to each other. But now that I think of it, spouses/partners of friends have been a mixed bag.

I got along with Ana, Rajeeb's girlfriend very well indeed. On the other hand I knew HRJ's hubby, Jeetu, much before she knew him and in fact he had even been my roommate for a considerable period. But I never really gelled with him. Even now, on rare occasions when I talk to him on the phone, we don't have much to say to each other. I have a similar problem with Trupti's hubby too, although we are able to talk a bit more . Clovis was one of my first gay friends in Vienna, and I get along very well with his boyfriend Michael, in fact I haven't met Michael in the absence of Clovis, but it is possible that we get along even better. Ralf, is an old friend too, and although his girlfriend Helia isn't as interesting to talk to, we still get along quite well. I met Will's ex-girlfriend, Sonia, when she moved to Heidelberg long before he did. We became good friends, much better friends than I was with Will. I am still in touch with Sonia, but have lost contact with Will.

But I guess this is not surprising. People are all different, look for different things in people. Some click, others don't. I am really glad that I clicked with Madhuri... it would have been a real shame if I had not got along with Hari's wife.

Update: I had visited Chris and Stina in Munich in summer 07. And surprisingly enough, I enjoyed Stina's company quite a lot. She was more talkative and more participating in our discussions. She mentioned in passing in a completely different context, that Swedes become unfriendly in winter and change their characters completely in summer. Since they had visited me in Vienna in the middle of winter that might have been a reason for her unfriendliness. That and she was a bit unwell, and she was meeting me for the first time. I'm still not a big fan of her's but I get along better with her.

Another spouse of a friend I recently met for the first time is Sheetal, Crystal's wife (the same summer-- I had gone to Munich to get them to Vienna). Although we differ in many ways, I got along quite well with her... probably more than with Crystal himself.

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Tagged

I have been tagged.

It has been quite a while, but I have been busy with this and that and as you see, I haven't been posting since three weeks. Which is a pity, as there is certainly a lot to blog about.

I am not a very social blogger, i.e., although I do browse other people's blogs and follow quite a few of these... I'm not big into leaving comments and developing friendships with bloggers. I do leave comments once in a while, and if fact I had been having a great discussion with Sebastien (the French guy I met in Paris)... but he doesn't know my blog and I comment anonymously (he knows it is me) because I wouldn't want him to see my blog because of my post on him! But anyways, since I don't comment a lot, and prefer to "lurk" on people's blogs, I have escaped being tagged... until recently.

The Visitor came across my blog via a comment I had left on Prash's, mentioned mine on his blog about blogs, has been visiting my blog with reasonable regularity, and has been commenting off and on too. And now has tagged me too. I am happy to oblige, albeit a couple of weeks late :-)

The direction is:

State nine things (weird or otherwise) about yourself. Then tag 6 others, and also let them know that you've tagged them by leaving a comment on their blog.

I will skip the second part, i.e., tagging others... simply because of the asocial reasons mentioned above, I don't know enough of others. So if there are visitors to my blog who'd like to pick up the tag, please write me a comment and feel free to accept it.

Ok, so here goes.

1. Despite all my endeavours, the Second Law of Thermodynamics plays a very important role in my life. Hey, don't run away, I'm not going to teach you Physics (after all I am a biologist, not a physicist!). Simply put, the said law posits that everything tends to chaos.

My desk. My flat. My lab bench. Doing the laundry. Cooking on weekends. Going to the gym. Correspondence/email. You name it, and if it is a part of my life, it tends to go towards chaos.

I do try to deal with it. I used to invite people over for lunch dinner quite regularly on weekends as that'd force me to clean up and cook. Couchsurfing was useful too, as having guests staying at my place means I have to clean up! I pay a whole year's membership for the gym so that I'd have more reason to go. And so on.

The silly thing is that when one thing starts to degenerate to chaos, everything else does so to. And I function terribly, at work at home, everywhere.

2. Procrastination is another thing that governs my life and is of course related to, and is in many ways the cause of, the above too. This is one thing I really wish I could change in my life. Things would be soooo much better without it.

3. My interests are just too diverse. In a way I am proud of this. My interests really range from almost everything to almost everything, and I'd look forward to newer ones. There are exceptions-- football, cricket et al. But these exceptions have exceptions too... I do enjoy watching important matches with friends or colleagues especially when there are supporters from both sides around. Anyways, but because of my interest in so many things, I don't get to stick to any of these properly. I shuttle from one to the other and leave the previous one unfinished. For example, I should really take some time out to go to the woods and photograph the autumn. Haven't been out on a proper photography tour (not tourist or social photography) for quite a long while. I should go hiking before it starts to get colder. I should write another article. I should read up on poetry. I participated in a few writing workshops last weekend (to be blogged), I am rehersing for a play that'll be performed next month. There are movies to be seen, a performance of The Glass Menagerie to be gone to. Music I have bought to be listened to. I have already bought (rather expensive) tickets for a performance of The Swan Lake for next weekend. The classical music appreciation cassettes to be listened to. Indian, French, Hungarian, German, Austrian, British, American, Iranian, Israeli, Turkish, EU expansion, immigration politics to be discussed. So many books to be read on so many things. And oh, I have to remind Fabien to explain the basics of String Theory to me.

4. I have blogged about this before: I don't like and consequently rarely drink tea, coffee or alcohol. Never smoke or take drugs. Nevertheless, I have an addictive personality. I am addicted to reading (previously it used to be books, now it is more what I get on the internet-- news, blogs etc. Books are quite under control). And I sometimes (though very occasionally) get addicted to some people.

5. I used to be very religious when I was a kid. First it was Hinduism, then it was religions and God in general. But gradually I became a full fledged atheist. The change took a couple of years but was imperceptible. I certainly was deeply religious when I was 13 as I remember discussing it (Hinduism) with a close friend. But I was a complete atheist by the time I was 17 and I remember writing to the same friend arguing against the existence of God and decrying religion.

I am a staunch believer in the importance of the concept of God for human psychology and society. And I think religion play a very important (constructive-- as well as the obvious destructive) role in the evolution of human society. Hence it is my firm policy never to try to convince a believer that God does not exist. Discussion/arguement for the sake of academic debate are fine.

I still retain an extreme interest in mythology, especially Hindu mythology.

I also love to tease very religious (Hindu) people with "inconsistencies" within the Gita. I also love Sanskrit, and can still quote quite a few shlokas.

6. I love to study people, their psychology and behaviour. It used to be so bad that I would mentally make predictions about how certain people would react under certain conditions, and would occasionally provoke those situations to test my predictions. I was really terrible. I rarely do that now. But I still like to study people. It has happened that friends have telephone me to ask for possible explanations of behaviours of friends/acquaintences/love interests of their friends.

I could not escape my own analyses as well, and that was actually good for me (see below).

7. Growing up as a gay kid, rather introverted, I used to get depressed quite often. However studying myself (this happened in Pune, Bangalore and to an extent in Tübingen), I could figure out exactly why I was depressed and why that was silly, why and how I should rectify it. It was as if I was looking at myself as a character in a novel or movie. Gradually my analyses/therapy on myself worked. And nowadays I rarely get depressed, rarely get angry. Disappointed yes, sad yes, scared yes, irritated yes, but not depressed nor angry [exceptions of the former include when I am in love, and of the latter when I am trying to buy a ticket from the Südbahnhof ticket counter... again both rare events].

A few years ago I was chatting with a gay psychiatrist on a gay website, and we happened to talk about this. He told me that they use a similar method in therapy called Cognitive Therapy. I had apparently used it on myself.

Whatever it was, I am quite happy about this.

8. I continue with the above theme. Every time I move, I change a bit of my personality. Initially it used to be subconscious, now I do it consciously. That is one of the reasons I actually look forward to moving.

9. At school we used to be taught social sciences in three sections-- Geography, History and Civics (Politics, government, society etc). I used to hate all of them, but soon after I didn't have to study them I started getting interested in them, and now I love them. I also used to dislike Biology. Now of course it is my career!

10. I'll add another bonus one to round off. I often describe myself as an incorrigible optimist with my feet firmly on the ground.

Interestingly, each of these points could form whole topics for future blogging!

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Coming Out III: to my parents

This is the third part of a three-part article. Check out the first and second parts.

My parents are not perfect-- I doubt anybody would say their parents were perfect. There is always something missing, there are grudges, things they could have done better. Hindsight is so useful. Because of several other things that I won't get into, and probably because of my being different, being gay, I have never been particularly close to my parents. However there are numerous aspects about them and particularly aspects about the way they brought us up, that I really like and admire, and that I'd unhesitatingly emulate if I ever fulfil my dream of adopting a child. One of these is the way they (particularly my father) encouraged us to think independently.
I remember, as a child of around 10, I had saved money and wanted to buy a popular book of quiz questions with it. I asked my father whether I could. He replied that since I was becoming a big boy, approaching teenage and adolescence, I should start thinking for myself. In matters like this I should stop asking for permission. I ought to take a decision, and consult them about the decision. Ask them for "suggestions, not advice". [In the matter in question my father's suggestion would be to go for an encyclopedia, and not a quiz book. I went ahead with the latter in any case, and after a year or so realized that I should have followed his suggestion.]
My parents have always trusted me and my decisions as I grew up, though they have had their suggestions which I was mostly free to accept or reject. And I respect them for this trust and freedom. I have always realized how fortunate I was in this matter, especially in the Indian context.

Once when I was in Germany (2000), my father jokingly mentioned marriage when I called up one weekend. I quite categorically said that I would never go for an arranged marriage, so they should stop worrying themselves or worrying me about it. [For my non-Indian readers, arranged marriage is a common system in India/South Asia where the parents and relatives would choose a bride for a groom, or vice versa. It does work in many/most cases and the whys and why nots are beyond the scope of this blog entry.] My father took that as a hint that I had someone in mind and was audibly thrilled and excited. I had to later write an email categorically denying that this was the case. But the thrill and excitement in his voice scared me. Not only was there no girl, there would never be any. There would never be cause to be thrilled or excited in this respect.
I made an SOS call to H. to discuss this. I didn't know what I should do, whether it'd be unfair to tell them the truth about myself or whether I'd keep lying to them. Whether I'd kill them (figuratively speaking of course) with the truth, or let them die without ever knowing their son. I didn't know. H. suggested not telling them. I discussed it with other (Indian) friends I had come out to. They were all of the opinion that there shouldn't be any harm if they didn't know. But then there were relatives and busybodies bothering them about their son who was of marriagable age, well educated and even abroad (the ultimate qualification). Wasn't that unfair and confusing for them to not know what they were fending off, what they were defending?
But even if I did decide to tell them, how would I? Here I was hyperventilating at the prospect of coming out to my closest friends (whom I had chosen, and who had chosen me--as friends) over telephone, and this was about coming out to parents whom I certainly hadn't chosen and who hadn't chosen me-- and this coming out had to be done in person, face to face. I couldn't think how I'd do that.

I decided it was time, when I finished my PhD. Before moving to Vienna, I was visiting India for a few weeks in Jan-Feb, 2003-- it had to be now. My father was embarassing me by insisting on introducing me to everybody as Dr. S. They were both very, very proud of me. Now was the right moment for them to know the real me and then decide exactly how proud they should be of their son.
I had been doing my homework. I had been reading up on coming out experiences, reactions, views. One thing was clear. I had been living with this fact for 24 hours a day for a decade before I had accepted it and was comfortable with it. It would be extremely unfair of me to tell them, and expect them to be happy about it immediately. I had had time, they were entitled to it too. I had made elaborate plans: I'd come out to them, stay with them for a couple of days, and then travel somewhere (as I always do when I visit India) and let them digest the information, come back home and stay with them for a few more days (provided their reaction wasn't negative enough to throw me out-- I doubted that would happen) probably take them to a counsellor/psychologist and then fly back to Europe. I had brought two books for them. First, Terry Sanderson's A Stranger in the Family, a support book addressed to the family when a member comes out to them. The other was The Science of Desire by Dean Hamer and Peter Copeland which is written for the layman and describes the research by Hamer's group towards identifying a locus on the human X-chromosome that tended to correlate with homosexuality. This book also explains the biology and research of sexual behaviour and is a very informative book in general.

Things rarely work out as planned. I couldn't get a chance to come out to them during the first part of my visit... a visit to India is always hectic because on has to visit and be visited by hordes of relatives. And this isn't a conversation one initiates when we come back at 11:30 pm after dinner at someone's place. I went to Bhubaneswar and Konark and returned to Kolkata. I hadn't gotten around to finding a counsellor/psychologist. And the day of my return to Germany was getting nearer.

Finally it was the Sunday, two days before I was to leave. We had finished lunch. My parents were in a good mood. I said I wanted to talk to them, together, in the living room. They came and sat down with a knowing smile. They expected to be told about a girl, I could see that on their faces. Sorry, I'd disappoint them, but for the last time on this issue, I'd never raise their hopes again like this... at least not about a girl, ever again! That was the whole point. It went bad. I stuttered, I struggled. I said I am gay, homosexual, I prefer guys and I would never get married. Here are two books that you could read, that might help you understand. Impassive faces. My mother asked whether my brother knew about this. I said yes. No further reaction from her. Her lack of reaction made me wonder whether she had understood what I said. After all, I said "gay" and "homosexual" using the these English terms. I didn't know of a term in Bengali that could be used in polite language, and that my mother would be likely to be familiar with. My father said he was very upset. If I had said this earlier when I was younger, there might have been something that could be done. I said no, there was nothing that could be done, there cannot be, I am the way I am. He said he'd not read the books, he'd not keep these books at home. I said I'd leave them there anyways if they ever wanted to read them. He said he wouldn't keep them at home. If I didn't take them, he'd throw them out after I left.
End of conversation.
The next day he told me in the morning that he was naturally upset at my disclosure and didn't want to be at home. If I needed him or the car, I should warn him in advance, else he'd stay out. And he indeed did so.
I didn't want to risk Dean Hamer's excellent book being thrown away, so I brought it back with me. I had no use for Terry Sanderson's book, so I left it in the drawer of my desk in their house, hoping that he'd be tempted to turn its pages before he "threw it out". And after I left, my absence, missing me, might make things a bit different. I don't know if either of them ever read it. If it is still at home or it was indeed "thrown out". I never asked.
The day I left, my parents accompanied me to the airport like always. Both were tearful as I went in after the final goodbye.

I try to call up every weekend. I returned to Germany and stayed there for a couple of weeks and moved to Vienna. This period was understandably chaotic, and my calls to home were irregular and rare. I resumed my regular weekend calls a few weeks after I moved to Vienna. For the first few months, my father rarely came to the phone when I called. Even if he picked up the phone, he'd say the bare necessary politenesses and then say "ok, now talk to your mother." Gradually that changed. He began talking more and more often. Became his chatty self. Last Sunday I spoke to them for close to an hour, mostly to him.
I have made sure that my mother did understand my disclosure. I have introduced her to Vijay and his boyfriend, Daniel, during her visit to Vienna, and my mother loved them. She does understand what I meant.

Last winter, I called home and my mother asked what I was doing. I said I was feeling lazy and so was listening to music, lying under a blanket. She sighed and said, it'd have been so nice if I'd not been alone under the blanket. Wow! She sure knew that it'd have to be a guy if there'd be someone. Similarly a couple of months ago, my father asked me whether I had any special news for them, whether I wanted to tell them about someone special. Wow, again!
Sorry, folks, I am disappointed that I have to disappoint you about this blank in my life. But you're lovely parents, although I will never get around to saying that to you.

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